Inside the mind of Wade

Let me start by saying I feel that I am the least among my brothers and sisters as it pertains to the trauma I have suffered from life and especially combat deployments. I am rated at the highest the VA offers and when I received it, I was internally aghast. I really didn’t believe I was that bad. I knew I had some issues, but…yet those around me knew. I regret not getting help sooner, perhaps I could have saved my family from the suffering they have endured.

I admit some of the things I am going to talk against in this post, I was guilty of, others I may have been without realizing it. It is my hope that as I’ve learned and corrected my own mistakes internally, I have also fought to correct the mistakes I’ve made outwardly towards those with trauma from their combat deployments or life.

I am not the expert. I have experienced personally, and I have observed many, many different people as they’ve dealt with their demons. I’ve lost friends that were closer to me than my own family. That is not to say my family isn’t supportive or loving; they have.

I have been given expert guidance. I have read expert opinions. I think I speak, write, from a place of knowledge and firmly believe this information should get shared and shared and shared.

If I haven’t lost you so far let’s get into it.

First, let’s define it. PTSD is a mental health condition that develops following a traumatic event characterized by intrusive thoughts about the incident, recurrent distress/anxiety, flashback and avoidance of similar situations. This doesn’t always come from a place of fear, nor does it have to be combat related. That means that any human being can develop PTSD. Any child, any adult, any sex, any religion, any nationality.

Just because you think you’re fine doesn’t mean you don’t have some sort of trauma, in fact those who claim they don’t usually do and have dealt with it in very un-healthy ways; more on that later. Sometimes you have had things happen in your life that your brain remembers but you don’t. That happens.

During my journey I had a lot of really horrible things said to me from people that I assume meant well but really should have just hushed and listened.

“You’re young and have your whole life ahead of you, you can’t be depressed.”

“You’re a Christian, you can’t be depressed.”

“No Christian should have PTSD coming home from war, because they are doing God’s work.”

“PTSD is just a weakness.”

“You shouldn’t have PTSD because this other guy did this and this and he doesn’t.”

“You’re lucky to be alive, why would you be depressed?”

“How do you have PTSD when so and so did more, but he doesn’t have it?”

I had someone tell me once that our son was stillborn because God didn’t think I was ready for a son, similarly I was told it was because I hadn’t learned how to raise my daughters.

In the midst of a major nervous breakdown, I lost one of my best friends and mentors to suicide. I saw a counselor who implied I shouldn’t have as many nightmares about his loss.

Please understand that a lot of these statements came from people I had respected. Pastors, teachers, fellow veterans. leaders of the church and community.

For years I wrongly thought there was a hierarchy of PTSD. Combat veterans and Sexual assault victims at the top. If you didn’t deal with blood and death, or some sort of assault, there was no way you had PTSD. Veterans who claimed PTSD and never deployed just made me angry and I regret ever thinking that way. There is no hierarchy of PTSD. I was recently told that I had the highest level of PTSD, and I replied that I didn’t think someone who had been raped was beneath my trauma, then I said “No trauma is higher than another. Your trauma is yours and mine is mine.” I stand by that.

I am sure there are some people who have claimed PTSD are faking trauma. I believe, however, that group of folks is a small group and as a whole people who claim PTSD have actually experienced trauma in their lives and for those, I will support them all in their journeys. The VA is not a welfare state with everyone claiming PTSD. I would say the number of actual fraudulently claimed PTSD is extremely low, while the number of unclaimed traumas is extremely high.

Obviously as a combat veteran I am more aware when it comes to traumas associated with military service. Some of it like sexual assault is common in every area of life to include church and school. It is my opinion that most drug and alcohol abusers have undiagnosed PTSD. I would daresay a lot of our homeless population suffers from the same. I would be willing to bet that a lot of mental health diagnosis are covering a PTSD diagnosis.

PTSD is the way ones loved one was treated at the hospital before their death, at any age.

It’s caused by living with a family member who suffers from PTSD or any other mental or physical trauma.

That woman who stomps her fake brake on the passenger side of a car has PTSD relating to a wreck most likely.

That veteran who snored in basic and woke up to his drill sergeant holding his nose closed, has been traumatized.

Any traumatic event.

ANY TRAUMATIC EVENT.

That teenager that out of the blue becomes rebellious and doesn’t want to go to church anymore; maybe it’s because she was raped by a staff member and now sees the church as a place of trauma. Or maybe his grades start falling and no one can figure out why, he may have been sexually assaulted at school. These kids didn’t need a harder spanking, they needed counseling.

When a child falls off the monkey bars and hits her head and has to be rushed to the emergency room; she and her parents can have PTSD from it. If that same child fell out a 2nd story window earlier in her life it only makes it harder to get over for her and the parents. When she fell out the window, they screwed all the upstairs windows shut and freaked out anytime she went near one perhaps. Maybe not, but once she fell off the monkey bars, they won’t buy her a trampoline because they are dangerous. She continues to love high places and drives her parents crazy, then one day a friend falls from a clifftop and breaks her ankle and now she has extreme anxiety and doesn’t know why. Its PTSD stacked overtime.

The problem with PTSD, especially from the veteran population, is that the prevalent opinion is that you are weak-minded if you suffer mentally. You barely get a pass if you broke your ankle, and you will return to limited duty regardless of what that convalescent form says because you can answer the phone with a broken leg. In the Christian world the excuse is that God is the only answer to mental health even if you are pro medicine. Granted there is a medical condition where you have weak bones, especially in the aged, but usually when you break one the instant assumption isn’t that you are weak boned, so you shouldn’t jump to the same conclusion about mental health. The other problem is that in mental health, there is no surgeon that fixes you. The counselors merely guide you along the way and you do the work. You can’t do it alone, that guide is vital to your recovery.

Those who discourage counseling and claim PTSD doesn’t exist or is a weak-minded welfare crawl, fail their fellows. It doesn’t matter what religion you are, what branch you served with, the color of your skin, your sex; the list goes on. The proper answer should always be, talk to a counselor.

People will disagree with me on this next statement.

Talk to a counselor, not your pastor or religious leader. They aren’t equipped to help you even if they have a degree from seminary in counseling. The same applies to chaplains. We don’t ask them to do our surgeries so why would ask them for mental health guidance? Don’t get me wrong, it’s better to talk to anyone than no one. If you want real healing though, a counselor is the one you need to see.

The following list of symptoms is from the VA. As I end this post, I want to encourage any reader that feels that they have PTSD to see a counselor. For veterans it’s really easy and at the end I will link the VA resources. If you know someone who has PTSD, share this with them please, you may save their life.

1. Reliving the event (also called re-experiencing symptoms). Memories of the traumatic event can come back at any time. They can feel very real and scary. For example:
   • You may have nightmares.
   • You may feel like you are going through the event again. This is called a flashback.
   • You may see, hear or smell something that causes you to relive the event. This is called a trauma reminder, cue or trigger. News reports, seeing an accident, or hearing fireworks are examples of trauma reminders.
2. Avoiding things that remind you of the event. You may try to avoid situations or people remind you of the trauma event. You may even avoid talking or thinking about the event. For example:
   • You may avoid crowds because they feel dangerous.
   • You may avoid driving if you were in a car accident or if your military convoy was bombed.
   • If you were in an earthquake, you may avoid watching movies about earthquakes.
   • You may keep very busy or avoid getting help so you don’t have to think or talk about the event.
3. Having more negative thoughts and feelings than before the event. The way you think about yourself and others may become more negative because of the trauma. For example:
   • You may feel numb—unable to have positive or loving feelings toward other people—and lose interest in things you used to enjoy.
   • You may forget about parts of the traumatic event or not be able to talk about them.
   • You may think the world is completely dangerous, and no one can be trusted.
   • You may feel guilt or shame about the event, wishing you had done more to keep it from happening.
4. Feeling on edge or keyed up (also called hyperarousal). You may be jittery, or always alert and on the lookout for danger. You might suddenly become angry or irritable. For example:
   • You may have a hard time sleeping.
   • You may find it hard to concentrate.
   • You may be startled by a loud noise or surprise.
   • You might act in unhealthy ways, like smoking, abusing drugs or alcohol, or driving aggressively.

Home (veteranscrisisline.net)

PTSD: National Center for PTSD Home (va.gov)

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