I have experienced a rollercoaster of emotions brought on by the rapid-fire object’s life has thrown at me. Things didn’t go, haven’t gone for a while, the way I had hoped or planned. I feel like I am standing in a flaming house just trying to save one thing, maybe two, but as I grab it the flames engulf it. As I am standing there it seems there are a lot of people just watching it burn gleefully. I feel abandoned and helpless. I jump to conclusions about those around me and want to cut everyone out of my life or burn. But.
Life is that way. Some people really do want you to fail, and they do everything to ensure you do. On the other hand, some people want you to succeed and are willing to help but don’t know where to start or if they are even needed. Those going through hell don’t even know what they need most of the time which makes it harder.
I feel disgusted when I ask for help. For anything. I hate asking for help no matter what it is. Moving, nah I would rather move all my stuff up five flights of stairs by myself instead of asking for any help. Sometimes it’s because I feel like I will get judged, “Why do you have all this?” or similar. Sometimes it’s really because I think I am supposed to be superhuman or something. I have had to force myself to ask for help moving many times as an example. Mentally…I am still a work in progress. Asking for help dealing with something, or even just taking medication is a mountainous task.
I have been asked what someone could do to support me, and I blank. I don’t know what I need to do, let alone what others need to do for me. I appreciate the sentiment though. “Hey, you have been hit hard lately, how are you holding up?” Or “You seem upset, want to talk about it?” Then they listen…to often silence because I don’t know how to talk about it. They go through all the right steps and yet, I just don’t know how to ask for help even when it’s offered.
It comes back to the asking, more so the accepting, of and for help. It sucks.
My thoughts are often that at this point in my life I should be on cruise control and not needing any help. Standing in the middle of a flaming room grasping at memories isn’t where I thought I would be and honestly it sucks. I worry about being judged, it’s plainly embarrassing. Then I worry that people won’t have the time or resources to help me, even if I could get past everything else. Worse, when I think about how it appears to not ask for help, I feel arrogant or conceited. It is truly a damned if I do, damned if I don’t moment.
The irony is that I would drop everything to help someone in need, someone like me. I would be there in an instant to assist in any way I could with absolutely zero judgement. I have. Time and time again. When I see a need I do my best to get it taken care of, if not with my resources, then with others that I can pull in. From the outside I know and understand, from the inside…not so much. I don’t think I am alone in that. Most people really do care about their fellows.
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